| (no subject) |
[Apr. 22nd, 2009|01:01 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  lonely | ] |
left to deal with this myself,
i've finally decided to absolve myself of angst.
and to absolve myself, is to nip the problem in the bud,
to end it where it all begins. |
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| from an ebbing pulse, to discovering salve. |
[Apr. 11th, 2009|10:31 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Pool Side | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  grateful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Yves LaRock - Rise Up | ] |
i miss you i miss you i miss you,
more than i've missed anything before.
this innate longing for someone was found in you,
a longing so strong it gets me thinking about you
all the time.
how is it that when i'm with you,
this decrepit world of woe and conflict
becomes a receding horizon,
that happiness feels so real,
that i've forgotten what it feels like to be weird and lost?
you're beautiful even when you're stranded on that island
scurrying about distraught and worked up searching for signs of life.
signs of life in others, receptive to the way you feel.
i adore you so when you think the worlds out to get you,
just when you think life's unfair.
there's an ache in my heart and it burns ever so strongly when you cry,
because you've become a part of me i can't fail to recognize.
i gaze at you whilst your eyes are closed,
with curious fingers that discover every contour of your face.
knowing i may have found something i'd like to keep for a long while,
all to myself- this little secret of mine.
being the only one that might truly understand you,
like a puzzle most people look at in confusion,
you instead see straight away and delve into it's meaning.
you're something worth fighting for.
i miss you so, i miss you so. |
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| so, what's next? |
[Mar. 27th, 2009|05:28 pm] |
Hey man you talkin back to me?
Take him out
You gotta keep `em seperated
Hey man you disrespecting me?
Take him out
You gotta keep em seperated.
work hasn't been this fun in ages, man. it's as though the simple pleasures suddenly seem more apparent to me, that beyond all my daily woes at work there are little things that can actually keep me on my rocker. like using the internet right now for example and listening to the radio in this dreadful and maddening place. unfortunately, i'm culprit to my own demise. i came late for work a couple of days ago, so i got a couple of extra duties. pure genius.
got alot done today. did an IQ test and apparently my IQ is high average, so obviously there's a considerable fault in the test somewhere, you all know that. looked through some uni courses and i figured i'd rather be a pornstar than a business manager, unless the business i'm managing is monkey business of course. okay so maybe i didn't get alot done afterall.
i'm looking forward to schooling again ( so maybe i haven't recovered fully...)
i'm looking forward to meeting people
i'm looking forward to getting my bike
i'm looking forward to getting my i phone
i'm looking forward to rockin it out on stage again.
but you know what? that's a long time from now.
today, i'm just looking forward to seeing you again.
but for some strange reason, i get the feeling you've stopped feeling that way lately.
i feel you feel i feel you feel that somethings changed. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 5th, 2009|12:51 pm] |
and so you play your cards whenever you please,
since my soft spot for you allows me to watch passively most of the time.
you'll have the upper hand in every situation,
really, i don't mind.
it's funny how people say that about you
and i refuse to listen.
slowly though, it's wearing me out.
let go of your pride
and understand where i'm coming from.
let go
because the proud person will never admit
to being wrong, cause he's perpetually blinded by his own ego.
let go
cause ultimately, he'll never get things resolved with other people.
one day you'll see that i've done nothing but treat you right.
would it be too late by then,
when i too finally decide to play my hand. |
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| story of my life. |
[Mar. 3rd, 2009|10:50 pm] |
get up from at 5 in the morning,
with only 3 hours of sleep prior.
stumble down my double-decker grumpy as hell,
grope around for phone with rooster sounding alarm,
turn it the hell off,
mutter profanities to myself and go back to sleep.
wake up again and almost shit myself realizing i'm late,
rush out of the house after much worry
and remember that i'm traveling to lim chu kang again.
again,
again.
sudden depressed mood takes over.
take an hour long bus ride to chua chu kang.
fall asleep in bus,
get woken up by curious bus driver at the parking lot of the bus interchange.
exchange retarded looks with bus driver,
run the hell out.
take another bus to lim chu kang,
sit next to not so nice smelling foreign workers for the next thirty minutes.
brisk walk into the imposing looking camp.
repeat, for the next 265 working days.
just kill me already. |
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| it's you, it's you. |
[Feb. 11th, 2009|01:21 am] |
ten minutes ago, i felt enraged like a untamed animal. there was no resolution, there was no way out. and in that downward spiral i continued to drift. somewhere along the thin line of being unreasonable and going insane. i continued to mind fuck myself. and among the disarray of thoughts that inadvertently entangle themselves, a knot forms in my head driving me slowly over the edge. i'm still experiencing a little after taste in my mouth, i swear i was about to kill someone.
you're given a gun with 3 bullets, who'd you choose to kill?
i'd shoot you in the head over and over, and over again.
it scares me a little knowing that beyond my physical presence everything is calm and everyone is at ease. there hasn't been a disturbance for a mile except for the one in your head. i wonder what triggers it sometimes. today's affliction was just a cascade of irritations, one after the other.
but then someone said this to me, "how wonderful life is, now you're in the world."
and almost as soon as it had begun, it ended and the world seemed that much more simple again. it was as though your touch saved me, and put me in place again. i wish i had you by my side tonight but i can't. and i know i may never always have you around. what then, will i do when you've become my sole remedy my love? |
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| don't hold your breath for the turn around. |
[Feb. 2nd, 2009|07:41 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | where you come from- pantera | ] |
this is what it's like to be engulfed in anger,
blinded by it to never see the day of light again.
convulsive rage raised the limits for me,
afflicting every fucking nerve in me.
i found myself far beyond driven.
contemptuous and derisive is what i had become.
my hands broke to hone raw energy,
every single bone was in traction.
it was painfully numbing,
yet it was my only escape.
i was able to fly through the madness,
mocking my enemies silently with condescending glares.
that's why no one will ever understand why i embrace metal the way i do.
but i lost myself in it once,
now i'm not sure i can afford to go through that again. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 24th, 2009|11:28 pm] |
to forgive, is it really that hard.
to be naive, is it really that simple. |
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| we were not too young at all... |
[Jan. 23rd, 2009|05:32 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | indescribable | ] |
sitting slouched over on a bench, watching this desolate runway. the sun sets slowly engulfing the sky in shades of maroon and orange. it's an amazing sight and there's not the slightest stir of people around me but the ocassional whirring past of a vehicle in the distance, whirring to a slow quiet. it's warm but windy, it's languorous. where has everyone gone, and what am i doing here today?
it amplifies this mood i'm in, this assurance that the world isn't moving on too quickly without me, while i'm serving my time. serving my time.
you'll always get caught up in infectious woes of other people, and all these other worldy dilemmas. they seem to prolong themselves, grudgingly and unrelenting. and it's watching the sunset like this that reminds me that the day will always renew itself, without fail. almost as though the world has left you to your dismal fate, that it's forgotten about you. it's that simple, moving on. yet i haven't learnt how to.
people aren't always going to be happy for me, people aren't always going to understand me. people aren't always going to be happy for us.
but i'm embracing this fully, this feeling of being so whole when you're around this one person, and just once glance at her makes you melt with affection. but i wonder every day. and it gnaws away at me in the deepest recess of my mind no matter how much i try to dispel it, whether what people say is true. that nothing lasts forever.
if you read this, know that no matter what the future holds for us, i'm always going to look back on this period in my life when i had never laughed so hard before, when i felt safe being cradeled in someones comforting arms. when i was happiest. when i had held so much hope. i'll always have this soft spot for you in my heart, no matter who you end up with. and if i do see you one day, i'll probably admire you from afar in the corner of a crowded room like i always have, appreciating your beauty, but ultimately just being grateful for having someone like you come into my life.
nat king cole wrote a song, called too young. and in writing it i reckon he understood something that alot of people never will. listen to it for me.
please don't let this fade.
oh please, don't let this ever end. |
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| despondence |
[Jan. 18th, 2009|01:10 am] |
sometimes i feel unappreciated, sometimes i'm left alone.
sometimes i long for the turn around,
sometimes i seek acknowledgement in your eyes.
sometimes i can't be perfect. |
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| the unreflected mind isn't worth living. |
[Jan. 5th, 2009|06:04 pm] |
there hasn't been a single day that i get up without looking at a picture of you in awe, either on facebook, or on the wall in my room.
i never thought i would have looked so content in all these pictures with you. even then, content would be an understatement. more like utterly pleased with myself, for finding a catch like you. who knew i'd be smiling like an idiot in every single of them, completely unaware of what's going on around me. smiles off the richter scale, smiles so real. i've been nothing but enveloped in the warmth of your company, dizzy from all the bright lights i never saw before.
yes you've opened my eyes, opened them to what i really want in a relationship, what i've been searching for all along. you've been growing on me, almost incessantly. so much so that i get irritated by the mere thought of you happier with someone else, that i was never the first person you loved, the first person you held close to your heart. and these are my insecurities, out in the open for you to scrutinize with a cool eye. vulnerable is what i've made myself, to you. cause to you, i've given my heart entirely. but what are we without making mistakes, stumbling around and picking ourselves up again. i've made a million and one mistakes, and i'm glad i have, cause they've thought me to see past people's fronts. no, i don't have fragments of my heart all over the place. it now resides resides next to yours, calloused from torture, but wiser than ever. second hand afflictions are all they were, and that's how they'll stay.
i'll always confide in you, cause what we have is more than the novelty of a relationship. know that i'm always here for you, and that when you feel alone in dark like you're the only one in the world, you're also the world to only one. i love you. |
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| and as you sleep... |
[Jan. 3rd, 2009|09:20 pm] |
020109, 1137hrs
the darkness falls upon us all,
accentuating this eerie mood we're in.
your head up against my bare chest,
unknowingly this beat you gave life.
calloused fingers run through stray hair,
hair spilling over burdened shoulders.
eyes graze wearily over mangled bodies,
on this floor they do not belong.
they're too excitable with much to do,
and honestly it's you,
only you i wish to be next to. |
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| revolution is my name |
[Jan. 2nd, 2009|01:16 pm] |
i've had enough of contemplating life all day.
i've got to cheer up. after all, i read somewhere that it takes 42 muscles to hold a frown but only 4 to pull back my trigger finger on my M16. |
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| one year later... |
[Dec. 31st, 2008|08:50 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | in a secret place | ] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | determined | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | nevermore: the sound of silence | ] |
so i have many ambitions for the year ahead.
1) quit smoking, as of tomorrow. why won't anyone take me seriously?!
2) get my bloody uni applications done. it's only taken me oh say, a year now?
3) become more thrifty with my money.
4) pray more often, and maybe my feet would stop burning every time i enter the church.
5) get my shirt back from an ex girlfriend, psycho ex girlfriends don't deserve your prized shirt. as if driving me up the wall wasn't enough.
6) read up on becoming my own boss cause i can't take crap from people. heard that mom?!
(just kidding)
7) spend more time with the family and show them that despite possessing the belligerence of an uncouth youth, i'm always there for them.
7) get some new underwear. you've gotta start anew in every aspect of your life, even where the sun don't shine.
8) go on a trip with sarah to beijing to see the old man. you look like a holiday, can i go on you?
(yes, you know who you are)
ah i can feel it now, that chance to start over again. the moment to get things in your life sorted out, things you never got right previously.
but this amounting pressure is dong me no good so i guess it's best to take it a step at a time. probably with getting my mind of my cigarettes first.
can you not feel this impending doom coming over me? the shivering, wincing, the withdrawal symptoms. yup, the exciting new year is opening up to me before my very eyes, like a grave.
but hey, if you guys out there (if anyone even reads this crap) give me your support, maybe i'll accomplish my resolutions for the new year.
even better, i might get that shirt back.
ps: i love you to bits sarah, and your support means the world to me.
thank you for walking this winding trail with me so far.
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 31st, 2008|12:51 am] |
the morning heat fills my room, the glaring sun casts shadows on my writing. it suddenly reminds me that i'm alive again, that in this room of solitude, there lived someone else. as though a beggar roaming the sreets of life, every road seemed bleak without purpose and meaningless. every turn was a dead end. somewhere within me i knew something i held close to me had disappeared. that gift, that sense of wonder to question why things were the way they were, why i am, was gone.
nothing, nothing was new to me. and so i waited, with false hope and an ache in my heart that someday i'd find someone to rekindle my soul and give life to the child within me. that one day he might be able to see the world again.
this glaring sun prevents me from looking out of my window
where into the open my thoughts were lost.
they meander in waves ever so slowly across the blue skies,
across the night skies into a place away from here,
where happiness prevailed.
but that was then,
and this this long awaited adventure has finally begun.
so this one's to lost time,
time unaccounted for.
this one's to you for turning me into a living nerve,
so sensitive to even your slightest touch,
that your every breath goes noticed,
that every moment with you is spent in the microsecond.
memorising your every word,
your every expression.
this one's to you, sarah elizabeth,
for compelling these brown eyes to dilate once again. |
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| i'm out of here |
[Dec. 17th, 2007|07:33 am] |
alriggghhhtttt today's my last day here and i think i've spent enough time here, though i've had all the fun i possibly could have had at a hospital. didn't catch one bit of sleep, as usual but this time it was cause the bloody balloons were making strange noises at night. hey not funny man, i actually tried to sink myself as deep as i could into the bed and catch a glimpse of the balloons from the side of my eye, scared to really see something there. when you're deprived of sleep anything could happen. who knows if patients ever died here. never thought of that did you? and at night when the corridors are pitch black you'd rather jump out the window to get to cheers.
know those movies where the patient awakes on the operating table and the surgeon is standing above him calling his name? DUuudeeee.... it's exactly like that! i couldn't even recall the moment i konked out. i only remember when they wheeled me over and told me take a few deep breaths of oxygen and i threw the nurse a dirty look and said to myself i know what that is.... the anesthesia was awesome, they should sell that stuff in the market... but when i did get up, i thought i was going to die. and as they wheeled me to my room there was this amazingly irritating aunty of a nurse who was asking me for my ic number while i was half sedated and in pain. you've got to be kidding me, what are the chances that i escaped from the operating room and found someone who looked like me to undergo the op?! i did entertain her anyway and murmured my name. and as they wheeled me over every tiny bump on the floor i squeeled like a bitch.
from now on i might keep a jug by my bed side and use it if i get too lazy to go to the loo. i've kind of gotten used to it too. it's not as easy as you think, and i don't imagine girls could do this? and tell me if you could cause that would be just amusing. the poor nurses had to bring this stupid jug for me to you know what and collect it after that! i couldn't do that for sure, you have to be a really caring sort of person to do that so respect to all the nurses out there. i reckon i care more for animals than humans unfortunately. after a while the nurses must have memorised the room i came from and at the counter when they saw my "nurse call" light flashing they must have said to each other," fuck it's room three again, can you get that for me?" hahahahaha sad but true. and the process of peeing wasn't pretty, just imagine the fountain of youth but the pump goes off and on randomly. that's it.
and when i peed for the first time i got a shock to find my pubes shaven. damn, and they didn't even do a good job. i bet the surgeons inspect their patients' genitals and giggle while they're sedated and go, " what the hell's wrong with this one?" or ," looks like this guy took a cold shower before he came". that's a sad job, it's like being a junior hair stylist if you know what i mean... you must be so numbed from seeing them they're bound to affect you in your sex life some way or another.
i met some really nice nurses over here, and even offered to take one out to lunch when i was better but only cause she really went out of her way to make me feel at home. trust me. they wheeled me around and they told me i was far from their worst patient. their worst was a cancer patient across from my room. she was 30 or something and she already had tongue cancer from smoking. holy shit you mean those pictures on the cigarette boxes are real?!! she's got a hole in her neck to help her breathe and every now and then i saw the nurses tediously putting on a yellow suit and entering her room. apparently they have to suck the gunk out of her neck. i reckon that was enough to make me stop smoking. and to those that do, maybe you should try cause if that happens to you don't tell me i didn't tell you earlier.
my friends found me and that was the highlight of my stay here. it was especially fun having an inflated balloon as your private and call the nurse in using the emergency call button. and ikhsan did a great job with the balloons, it had balls and everything. i see you've been putting your time to good use ikhsan... kind of? so i hid it under the blanket and it looked like a tent. and when the nurse came in i said, "nurse i think i have a problem" everyone was all solemn when she came in so it looked serious. then she gave the tent a skeptical sort of look and i revealed it, " just kidding hhahahahha" i know, i know, cheap thrills right. but it was hilarious anyway, it was a case of a penis citis rather than appendicitis when your penis inflames and becomes inflated. serious stuff.
that's all for now.
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